Please Stop Pitting Wives against Sex Workers

Like I said before, could people please stop pitting wives against sex workers? I just noticed this again on a thread in which somebody said the trolling person who was recently banned must have been a woman because only a disgruntled wife whose husband visits sex workers could act this way. This statement pits sex workers against wives, which is no better than how this trolling person was acting.

 I find it offensive that people would assume that only a woman could express such derogatory attitudes toward sex workers.   There are men who are disrespectful toward sex workers also, so it’s not just women who behave in this way.  This pitting of sex workers against wives is a patriarchal and sexist attitude to turn women against each other and keep women down so men can maintain supremacy, so let’s not act this way ourselves.  (I realize there are sex workers of various genders, but this pitting of sex workers against wives is typically targeted at women.) 

I wouldn’t be  surprised if this trolling person is a man whose ex-wife left him and became a sex worker as this person said, and he was making us into scapegoats because of this.  However, we don’t know what gender this person is, so let’s move forward…

15 Responses

  1. I didn’t take that comment to be about “wives” per se. I also noticed that someone put forth that maybe the person was an anti-trafficking advocate, which could place the person as a man or woman. Anyway, I have no idea this is just what I took from the “debate.” I do think the whole thing was quite odd.

  2. Forgot to add that I absolutely agree though that pitting women against each other is patriarchal.

  3. Parker, I agree that wives weren’t really the core issue here. I think this person really disliked sex workers and kept mentioning wives in an effort to promote shame-based attitudes against us and to treat us like bad people, even though this person’s behavior was far more vicious than any of our behavior was. I never thought this person’s comments were mainly about concern for wives.

    I definately don’t this this person was an anti-trafficking activist because true anti-trafficking activists focus on preventing and stopping actual trafficking, not on acting superior to sex workers. I realize there are various people claiming to be anti-trafficking who are oppressive toward sex workers, but they aren’t true anti-trafficking advocates as far as I’m concerned.

  4. Ahhh I see your point (silly me!). Yes, I felt the person was very toxic regardless of gender and baffling. In my dancing career NEVER have I heard other dancers disrespect men’s wives (unless the guys bring them to the club and they end up being really bitchy, but then again it’s more like self-defense). We understand that we are the fantasy girls to these guys. We are women they can get drunk with (well, often we pretend to be drunk) and act out their testosterone actics without repercussion, like at home. We get it. Hey, even we aren’t that easy-going at home but we don’t hate on the wives. We understand reality.

    A sex worker can hold a useful and essential place in the scheme of a marriage. We provide a place to let off steam without actually upsetting the bonds of the relationship. We are not like woman that the guy will pick up at bar, who will call him at home. We are safe and that is why men seek sex workers out. Well from the female sex worker perpsective, which is only ONE perspective amonst many.

  5. Am I to take from this that that toxic person (who I note is carefully not being named – kind of like Voldemort) has now been banned? I hope so!

    And to both of you ladies, you rock! I just passed my one-year anniversary as a sex worker, and I wish I’d met women like you a LOT earlier!

  6. Jolene,

    Yes, the individual has been banned. I would like for us ALL to please move on. This is still feeding the troll, who is no doubt lurking.

    XX

  7. I’ve been in a faithful, loving relationship with a prostitute for over a decade. People who mention wives forget that prostitutes are also wives.

    Yes, she has a well paying job, if a bit of an unusual job. She’s actually fairly successful at it. It’s far from her dream job, but it’s better than the other jobs she could take. I don’t like my job much either, but it helps pay the bills. You know you are working class when your job is something you do to keep your creditors happy.

    Now, as to the marriage thing, if a man wants to be “unfaithful” he has lots of choices besides sex workers, provided he can attract women. It’s a red herring. Consider the number of politicians caught in prostitution scandals versus the numbers caught in mistress scandals (I often think the challenge is finding a politician not involved in a mistress scandal) , and these are just the stories we hear about because they are in the news.

  8. Anonymous,

    Beautifully put.

    XX

  9. You’re right, I hate how people just make automatic decisions based on stereotypical notions. The world would be so much better if people weren’t so judgemental…

  10. Thanks Amanda🙂

  11. it wasn’t an automatic decision based on any stereotype.

    this ‘man” was mostly concerned about sexworkers having sex with other women’s husbands.

    “he” also made comments such as “i guess it’s the wife’s fault for getting fat”.

    i’m not trying to pit anyone against wives but i think that they make up the scapegoat when their husbands stray instead of accepting responsibility for their role in his decision. there are also many wives who support their husbands decision and some who even join in so i dont think that “all wives” are bad…. just the ones that want to fight us because it’s easier to blame us for wrecking their marriage instead of blaiming themselves.

    of course men can be equally, if not even more hateful but the reasoning is different. . all of her arguments centered around “sexworkers being with another woman’s husband”, and in my experience, men aren’t too concerned about other women’s husbands being faithful .

  12. also i think it was a mistake to ban her.

    she was reaching out.. …. i think she was trying to understand and that’s why she was posting here. … i dont think she was here to insult us but just that she was in pain and lashing out.

    i realize it’s not your job to suffer her abuse but turning her away will only turn her against us even more…. i was not toxic towards her, i was toxic towards her ideas because i felt they were selfishly motivated, but not her…. you will see that i tried to console and reassure her about her marriage quite a few times.

    at least she tried to communicate with us instead of going full force against us, like MOST WOMEN WHO CATCH THEIR HUSBANDS CHEATING ON THEM WITH A SEXWORKER DO.

    not alll women, not all wives… just the ones who blame us for “ruining” their otherwise blissful marriage, like she OBVIOUSLY was as she stated that concern over and over again.

  13. in my experience women who hate us seemingly irrationally and passionately, hate us because they caught their husbands cheating with one of us.

    that’s not an outdated stereotype, that is just my experience.

    furthermore in my experience, men who hate us seemingly irrationally and passionately, hate us because they got “played” by one of us…. never had i known a man that hated us because we screwed other people’s husbands but if YOUR experience has been different, please do enlighten me.

    the world WOULD be a much nicer place if people weren’t so judgemental.

    in reality, people are judgemental and you aren’t going to change their judgement by banning them….. if we want to get past it, we have to learn how to deal with it and overcome it.

    i’m quite sure your banned troll is lurking and FEASTING on the satisfaction you served them when you finally admitted that you couldn’t handle them. .. . they won their argument, fair and square..

    1 person against all of us.

    if you have to gag your opposition in order to be “bound not gagged”, then what happens when you are somewhere that you can’t gag the opposition.

  14. Jenna,

    Several members here wanted this person gone. The mods concurred. If you would like to go and argue with them elsewhere, fine (invite them to YOUR blog). This is a safe space for sex workers. As such, there are things we won’t tolerate.

    This is our blog and yes, we can decide who we want to speak here. You are giving this single idiot far more credence than they deserve.

    Banning them means that a) everyone should stop referring to them and move on and b) other sex workers who were feeling unsafe here can now freely speak again. This is a space for sex workers, first and foremost. It is NOT a forum for hatred against sex workers.

  15. Thank you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: