Let’s Talk About Sex Baby! (And keep talking and talking and talking…)

“Sex in America: Can the Conversation Change?” hosted by the New York Open Center and the Huffington Post

This was really just the tip of the iceberg in trying to cover the many conversations about sexuality that need to be happening. With only two hours, it was impossible to really dig deeper into the nuances. I did my best to take down direct quotes or at least summarize them with accuracy. Here’s my report-back, if others who attended would like to add to it, please do!

The chair of the forum, Esther Perel, opened with comments about why she organized the panel and introductions:

When I first imagined this evening I saw it as a townhall meeting that could look at sexuality as a serious discussion and not just obscenity or sanctimony. Social conversations, not chit-chat between two people but discourse among society.

Later during the forum she added in more of her perspective:

As a couple’s therapist for 25 years I’ve noticed that couples never talk about sex.

What about sexual knowledge for therapists? Some of the assumptions:
• Sex is a metaphor of the relationship: sex problems are always a reflection of other problems in the relationship.
• Love and desire do relate but don’t necessarily conflict. Desire needs novelty and unexpected unpredictable surprise.
• Good intimacy makes for god sex: communicate better, you want to be together more. No! Sometimes you communicate better and resent each other less but it doesn’t turn you on!
• The notion that passion fades- that it should be tame and unlasting. The only thing you’re allowed to be really passionate about in America is work.

People used to be afraid of sin, now they’re afraid of dysfunction.

Sex is not something you do, it’s a way of being in the world. People have always done it, but that doesn’t mean it’s always been good.

Since readers here have been interested in how sex work would be covered at this forum, I’ll get to that right up front: it wasn’t covered. As has been stated by many participants, including sex workers, the forum was not about sex work per se. Some topics of porn consumption did come up. A comment was made from an audience member in response to a point that Amy Sohn had made about women’s sexuality being “on display” and pornography was used as an example. Of course many of us who are both SW and feminist identified had lots to say on this and other topics, but the time constraints and diverse range of topics made it impossible.

Speaking of diversity, the strongest critique that folks at dinner had post-forum was that there was a serious lack of racial and cultural diversity. There were two male and two female presenters, however no representation of transgender people. The conversation seemed to focus pretty deeply on partnered, committed sexual relationships much more than looking at a broad spectrum of sexuality and gender.